I Heard What You Said, Just Not What You Meant

Listening is one of the most difficult things to do for many people.  It is especially difficult for people in sales.  Our mind is focused on what we are going to say and not what is being said to us.

Often the words register, but not the intent.  It is usually because we miss the subtle clues that reveal that intent because again, we are thinking about our response, or about our own message.  We miss the non-verbal, or we misunderstand context.

I learned a long time ago that I am most effective as part of a team.  This is just as important in selling as it is in many other aspects of life.  The bad thing is that my preference is to go it alone on most things.  I am comfortable with myself and being alone doesn't bother me as it does some.  I am perfectly happy with silence and no interruptions.

Learning how to work as a team takes practice and perhaps a bit of training.  We can train ourselves if we want, because it is a matter of learning to allow space for others.  Most people are so completely self-absorbed that they struggle to allow space for others.  It's "all about me" is becoming so ingrained into U.S. society, that to be anything else is an anomaly. 

Being part of a team is difficult because it means sharing the glory when we win and sharing the defeat otherwise.  We can't take all the credit and we have to accept the blame -- even if, in our mind, it wasn't our fault.  We need to realize though, that it is always our fault.  What do I mean by that?  I mean we must be proactive in our preparation, proactive in our planning, proactive in the team-building that will keep us, as a team, from anything but our best effort.

That doesn't mean heavy-handedness; it means caring.  We need to care as much for the success of others on our team as we do for our own.  Whoa, that one is tough.  I thought it was all about climbing over the bodies on the way up?  Wrong.  It is about taking as many with us as we can possibly get in the boat.

I suppose this post is a bit rambling, but maybe there is something here of value.  My main point was intended to be that we aren't very good listeners, but where I seemed to end up is that we are most effective as part of a team even though society is telling us otherwise. 

There's an old adage in sales that you should 1) tell them what you're going to talk about, 2) talk about it and then 3) tell them what you said.  Hopefully, since I fumbled the first point you will figure out what I meant....

Building Bridges

Sometimes getting from here to there can be a real challenge.  The obstacles that challenge us often seem insurmountable -- like the Mississippi River which daunted many westward travelers in the early days of our country.  Now bridges, like the one in the photo we took a few years back, span it in many places and thousands of people cross it daily. (Please disregard the cracked windshield.)

Progress takes Explorers but, it also requires Bridge Builders.  In times of disruptive change, Explorers chart the course, but Bridge Builders turn that vision into reality.  They find ways to overcome the obstacles.  They make certain everyone is able to follow the path until what seemed impossible becomes commonplace.

Today, we need lots of Bridge Builders. 

I came to a place where the land did end;

I looked in deep dismay;

I could see across to the other side

Where the land of promise lay.

Before me was a swollen flood

Of waters deep and brown

Full of broken, tattered dreams

Where it had swept them down.

But, then a man beside me stood

Who saw my fear-filled eyes.

He said, "I will make a way

To where the far shore lies."

He called the people waiting there

To listen to his plan

Then led them in a glorious work

To build a solid span

Across the rushing waters deep

Into the Promised Lands.

Because of his great leadership

A mighty bridge now stands.

My Response, My Responsibility

"Young padawan, you must first learn to master yourself!"

I don't recall that line being used in any of the Star Wars movies, but it might have been.  It does, however, fit my perception of the process of development we must all go through as we grow and learn.  It is a proficiency that is rare, but necessary for success and critical for leadership.

What do I mean?  The best way to explain is with an example.

Suppose you are in a meeting with an individual that tends to "get under your skin."  You suspect it is deliberate, but it might just be a part of their personality -- or, perhaps their background is so completely different from your own that you see things somewhat as polar opposites.  You are often angered by the things they say.  When angry, we are not at our best.  Anger clouds our judgment. It causes us to lose our train of thought and fail to reason clearly.  We say and do things that we regret.

To overcome those situations, you must first overcome your own proclivity to be angered by what is said.  You cannot take the words as being a personal affront even though they may be meant to provoke you.  You must learn to "set aside" your visceral reaction in favor of reasoning.  Stay focused on the issue, not on the perceived abusive behavior of others.  Control your own reaction.

When I was younger, this one was very difficult for me.  I had the world by the ears and planned on conquering everything that stood in my way.  I took any and all obstacles as a personal affront.  It sometimes led to poor judgment.

One of the advantages of a few gray hairs is that they are usually earned through hard lessons.  Those lessons taught me that I didn't have all the answers, even though I may have thought otherwise at the time.  The issue was that I usually didn't have all the information necessary to produce correct answers.  Maybe the best response to the perceived affront is to question.  It is a tool that can be useful if correctly applied, or can be "fuel to the flames" if done poorly.  Many times, the types of individuals who tend to "push your buttons" are provoked if you question them.  They often will respond with indignation and increase their level of attack. 

The best way to diffuse your anger is to seek its source and then seek to understand why you see things differently.  Master your understanding and in doing so, master yourself.

I am posting this in spite of reservations about the wisdom of doing so.  I am not an expert in human behavior, nor do I have all the answers about how to deal with difficult people.  It is something that we all face at times and have to figure out our own way of coping.  My point in all of this is still, we need to learn how to master our own response to those situations.

"A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger." -- Proverbs 15:1

Sometimes that's easier said than done....

Purposeful Pursuit

Each and every day
We must set aside some time
To learn.

It must be deliberate
And purposefully lead toward some destination
We have set.

Without a plan
We merely drift along with whatever current
Pushes us.

Set your eye
On a worthy destination and remain focused
On the prize

While building
On knowledge gleaned by others and recorded
By them.

Read with purpose
In order to fill the gaps in your own toolkit
As needed.

Reach high.
Dream big.
Achieve greatness.

Scouting the Horizon

Frequently on social media you see games that entice with phrases like, "What Old West character would you be if you had been alive in the 1870's?" or something similar.  I say "entice" because they are primarily a way for someone to gain access to your profile and your contacts.  They are bait.

Although I don't click on them, they do sometimes cause me to speculate.  The question above is one that has intrigued me throughout my life.  I have always been a "fan" of the old west and have many books related to the history of that time during the westward movement of "civilization" across our country.  We will set aside the debate about "stealing" the land from the natives, etc. for another time.

My answer to the question is that I think I would have been a Scout/Tracker.  Scouts were employed by wagon trains, the cavalry and law enforcement.  Their job was to stay ahead, searching out the trail, water holes, food and danger.  They tended to be loners and they were often familiar with the country and the natives because it wasn't their first time to cross the area.  They were usually good at reading "sign" and able to tell a good deal about potential danger from tracks and other evidence left behind.  I suspect they spent a lot of time thinking.

The reason I believe that role fits is because that's where I like to be -- out ahead, looking for the path, watching for danger and for opportunity.  It is part of what drives me to spend time each morning thinking about the day and the future.  I examine the current situation and then think about the various paths forward and often speculate on what might happen depending on different scenarios that could develop.  It isn't "daydreaming" about things, it is deliberately thinking through potential consequences of present actions.  It is a  form of flexible planning.

That mindset is part of the reason I like to write.  I suspect you will see signs of that speculation in the things I record here on this blog as well as elsewhere, such as the column I write for CALF News.  I like to think about the future.  That's where opportunity resides and being among the first to spot opportunity gives one an advantage.  If our focus is merely on the present, or even worse, strictly on the past, we miss much of what life has to offer.

Well, enough of that for this morning.  I need to head on out and see what's over the horizon.  Y'all drink your coffee....

The Supreme Ruler's Advisor

This is one of those days when the "300 Writing Prompts" book comes out because nothing seems to "catch" in my mind as a good subject about which to write otherwise.  This one is interesting:  "If and when you become the Supreme Ruler of the World, who will be your top advisor?"

There is a lot packed into that subject.  1)  It assumes a one-world government which is something I think is a bad idea -- at least at this point in history.  There is too much inequality of thought, of experience, of affluence and of values for it to work without a heavy-handed approach.  2)  It assumes I would want to be Supreme Ruler of the World which I think would be an overwhelming burden.  3)  It assumes that any one person or, their advisor is capable of ruling the world.

We are each very different from the other.  This is a key point that one-world enthusiasts refuse to accept.  I suspect it is because they see themselves as the ideal and believe others should be just like them.  It is a very self-centered view that is inaccurate because, quite simply, although we are all made in the image of God, we are not God and therefore imperfect.  The imperfections we each carry are the variation.

Because of our differences, we each see things differently.  Sometimes we even have ambivalent opinions within our own minds about some issues.  How can we expect agreement when there are differences in how we view things?

Setting all of that aside, let's focus on what I see as the more interesting part of the question -- "...who will be your top advisor?"

To come up with one person is a challenge, so first I will list some qualities that I would deem important.

1) Wisdom.  Wisdom is earned through age and experience, however, wisdom is also something we perceive in others and therefore somewhat dependent on our own perceptions.  Psalm 111:10 says, "The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom; all who follow his precepts have good understanding.  To him belongs eternal praise."  Based on that alone, the advisor would have to be someone who acknowledges the supremacy of God and is devoted to Him in every aspect.  Now, to many it gets tricky because they would argue that there are many different gods and different approaches to him -- i.e. Judaism, Christianity, Budhism, Islam, etc.  I believe there is One God and only One Way to approach Him and that is through belief in Jesus Christ as Savior.  Two thirds of the world would not see that as wisdom and there would be immediate resistance/division.

2) Peace-loving.  My advisor would have to desire peace.  What is peace?  I can only answer that by saying I am most at peace when I accept that God is in control and place my complete trust in Him to resolve whatever issues I may face.

3)  Warrior.  Although this seems to conflict with the previous attribute, it does not.  Sometimes peace is only achieved through a willingness to defend what is right.  Sometimes it is only won through conflict.

4) Humility.  When one focuses only on self they cannot see the impact on others.  I would want an advisor who is able to set their own glory aside so they can see the cost and benefit of each and every decision to others who may not think like them.

5) Empathy.  Not only must they see and know intellectually the impact of decisions, they must be able to feel compassion for others.  If you cannot recognize joy or pain in others, you cannot help them.

6) Initiative.  Doing what needs to be done without waiting to be told is crucial.

7) Action-oriented.  An advisor must also be an actor -- not in the Hollywood sense, but in making things happen.  They should not just "talk a good game" but, live it, do it, be it.

8) Coach.  Everyone needs a coach.  They need someone to help them to be better.  Period.

9) Patient.  Waiting on others or, events to occur in the appropriate time is critical.  You cannot force things to happen before the proper time, or there will be failure.

10) Honest.  Being willing to provide appropriate advice no matter how it will be taken is crucial.  If I am wrong I need to know it.  If there are issues that need to be handled, I need to know it.  If I won't like what I hear but, it needs to be brought into the light it should be.  There is no place for deception.

I'm sure there are other qualities that would be desirable, but these are the ones that come quickly to mind.  I think these attributes are important for each of us to develop within ourselves.  I will never be the Supreme Ruler of the World and I frankly hope we never see one but,  I can be a better person and more effective in what I do.  I need someone who can be there for me who has each of the listed qualities no matter what role I might play in this old world.  We all do.  Perhaps the highest aspiration we can have is to be that person.

Discernment

discernment - 1 : the quality of being able to grasp and comprehend what is obscure
(Merriam-Webster's Online Dictionary)

"They are a nation without sense, there is no discernment in them." __Deuteronomy 32:28

How do you know when someone is lying? How can you cut through the fog and see what lies beneath the words? When listening to a skilled liar, the only way to know is through the gift of discernment. It is a gift. Not everyone has it. It is something for which one should pray. It is desperately needed by each and every voter in the upcoming election.


"Arrogant lips are unsuited to a fool— how much worse lying lips to a ruler!" __Proverbs 17:7

We Never

We never grow
Unless we stretch
Ourselves to do
That which
We've never done before.

We never see
Until we look
Beyond our
Own little world
Into the world of another.

We never hear
Until we stop
Thinking about
What we will say
And truly listen to others.

We never lead
Until we leave
The beaten path
Of other's steps
And strike out on our own.