My Response, My Responsibility

"Young padawan, you must first learn to master yourself!"

I don't recall that line being used in any of the Star Wars movies, but it might have been.  It does, however, fit my perception of the process of development we must all go through as we grow and learn.  It is a proficiency that is rare, but necessary for success and critical for leadership.

What do I mean?  The best way to explain is with an example.

Suppose you are in a meeting with an individual that tends to "get under your skin."  You suspect it is deliberate, but it might just be a part of their personality -- or, perhaps their background is so completely different from your own that you see things somewhat as polar opposites.  You are often angered by the things they say.  When angry, we are not at our best.  Anger clouds our judgment. It causes us to lose our train of thought and fail to reason clearly.  We say and do things that we regret.

To overcome those situations, you must first overcome your own proclivity to be angered by what is said.  You cannot take the words as being a personal affront even though they may be meant to provoke you.  You must learn to "set aside" your visceral reaction in favor of reasoning.  Stay focused on the issue, not on the perceived abusive behavior of others.  Control your own reaction.

When I was younger, this one was very difficult for me.  I had the world by the ears and planned on conquering everything that stood in my way.  I took any and all obstacles as a personal affront.  It sometimes led to poor judgment.

One of the advantages of a few gray hairs is that they are usually earned through hard lessons.  Those lessons taught me that I didn't have all the answers, even though I may have thought otherwise at the time.  The issue was that I usually didn't have all the information necessary to produce correct answers.  Maybe the best response to the perceived affront is to question.  It is a tool that can be useful if correctly applied, or can be "fuel to the flames" if done poorly.  Many times, the types of individuals who tend to "push your buttons" are provoked if you question them.  They often will respond with indignation and increase their level of attack. 

The best way to diffuse your anger is to seek its source and then seek to understand why you see things differently.  Master your understanding and in doing so, master yourself.

I am posting this in spite of reservations about the wisdom of doing so.  I am not an expert in human behavior, nor do I have all the answers about how to deal with difficult people.  It is something that we all face at times and have to figure out our own way of coping.  My point in all of this is still, we need to learn how to master our own response to those situations.

"A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger." -- Proverbs 15:1

Sometimes that's easier said than done....